but what I want to say shouldn't be said over the phone

[rehashing]

[ The smallest of pauses after the beep ] "You've - reached Elena. Gilbert. [ Maybe there are multiple in this cave. ] I'm sorry I missed your call, but if you'd leave - [ And their names will already be attached, built in caller id. She hates this message already But she's going to damn well finish it. ] a message, I'll return the call as soon as I can. [ And that's about all she needs and all she can muster. Oh, she can't forget... ] Thank you." [ "But, why am I thanking them, they called me." "Because it's the polite thing to do. Did they have to call you?" "They wanted to." But, no argument wins. Miranda Gilbert has a way of always being right. ]

call .. text .. video

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[rehashing]

[ Elena takes the cup - but mostly she just holds it because she's not thirsty. And she's already buzzed. Not that anyone could tell. Her tolerance is exponentially higher than it used to be. She shakes her head. Caroline doesn't need to apologize for where Elena dropped to the ground exhausted from the last week.

Elena looks down into her glass. ] I know. [ But, it's what she focused on. Like their clean apartment. ] I don't think I'm okay, Caroline. With where we're from, with who you -- I don't know if anything would've happened with Stefan, I know it did for a short time but - I didn't live it, and living with everything I don't know... [ Her words trail off. ] It was one thing when I didn't think about it, but now it's all I can think about. Stefan. [ She pauses, guilt from her next name. ] Damon. [ She takes in a breath. ] We're different people now, Caroline. Me, literally. I don't [ She quickly brings her hand up, palm forward to stop her. ] blame you for that. I know what happens to me. But, we're not the girl whose blood breaks spells and the vampire learning to live her life anymore. You lived your life and had kids. And I -- died. [ Again. She sets her glass down on the front table, facing Caroline again. ] This is going to sound like punishment or, like I hate you, and I don't, Caroline. I couldn't. Not ever. [ And despite her saying that, it's apparent there's more to what she's saying. ] But, I can't stay here. There's a part of me that does blame you and misses Stefan and everyone and you remind me of everything. And I can't -- take that. We were fooling ourselves, Caroline, that things could be the way they were. We're in Hadriel now. [ She needs this. And she needs to say it. They're in hell. ]

[overarching]

[ Caroline didn't drink much while cleaning, either, and she's regretting it. Her neurosis wants to spring out and take over.

But this is Elena. She can't do that to her. She listens, the color fading from her face as the reality of her friend's words sink in. That they've traveled down paths into some warped unknown. That she's had what Elena won't. That, in spite of no romantic jealousy being a reality in her own future, that fact doesn't change that Elena's heart is still exposed to the pains of what she knows will come. Elena isn't wrong. Not with a single word she says. Caroline's hands grip tighter around her cup, wishing it, or anything, could be anchor to anything resembling security, comfort. ] But we can get through anything together, Elena. [ She means it. She knows it. She also knows that Elena knows it, but this situation doesn't mirror the reality either of them know. It's a twisted amalgamation of the truth, of the lives they've both lived, a fate that befalls Elena having swung on both of them like an iron pendulum.

Caroline sighs, looking down again, meeting Elena's eyes before she speaks. ] I'm sorry, Elena. If there were anything I could do to change what happened, I promise that I'd do it. [ But they both know there's nothing under Hadriel's dark ceiling that makes a vampire human again. Nothing they know of, anyway, so it's not a real consideration. ] And I want you to blame me. It is my fault. But -- [ her head shakes rapidly ] I'm not pitying myself, or playing the victim. What matters is what happened. To you.

[ A long beat. ] Where will you stay? [ Where is there to go, in hell? ] Do you know? [ Her voice is strained, but she holds her emotions at bay. Losing it in that moment can't be a thing. She needs to keep it together. ]

[rehashing]

[ Caroline echoes what Elena said on the first day, but it rings hollow in her ears. She still believes that. Inherently. The problem lies in that the circumstances are different. She isn't the fragile human who has the luxury of compartmentalizing. She gets to live every emotion at an 11 with no off switch she wants in sight. And Caroline dials those to 12.

She said her peace, which makes it harder to answer Caroline, to respond to her questions. She speaks, she adds, and she worries, like Caroline does.

No matter the state her friendship is in, it's good to have this side of her back.

Her emotions are on a hairpin trigger, tears welling up. She blinks them away, fighting against the urge, looking to her right. ] I'll find something. And I'll let you know when I do. But, don't spend all your time blaming yourself. It isn't good for you, or for me. And that's coming from someone who blames herself for everything. [ Partially. ] What happened with us isn't simple. Not who we can blame, not what we did. Not why.

[ But she can't say they'll get through this because in truth she doesn't know. She knows she wants to. But, she also knows these conflicting feelings aren't going away and Caroline is a large part of that. ] Promise me you won't blame yourself.

[overarching]

[ Caroline's had years of managing her emotions, and even so, ones that are felt with the most intensity are still prone to overtaking her. Seeing how Elena's affected causes her own eyes to shine, tears not forming, but at the very precipice of shaping.

She gives a slow nod, unable to tear her gaze away even as Elena casts hers to the side. ] Okay. [ So quietly acknowledged, the notion of her finding someplace to stay, said under Caroline's breath in between Elena's phrases. The tears threaten more, her eyes going wider in an effort to try denying that she, really, might cry, face tilting down. How could she not blame herself?

But Elena has several good points. Still. They don't make it easier to bear the weight of it all. She exhales through her nose, fighting back wryness, over Elena blaming herself for everything.

It's not simple, and at the core of heart, Caroline does believe they'll get through this. It's not the time to go full force into a speech about their strength, the bond that endures no matter how dark times get, and she realizes that. What conflicts within Caroline is the unknown of how Elena may process all of this. She takes a deep breath. ] Elena. How... [ her shoulders rise and fall, slowly, pang of ache in her chest, expression crestfallen ] it's not simple enough to feel any other way that that, right now. I'm. I'm sorry. I want to make that promise to you. If I felt like I could, I really, really would. But I did this. To you. Because I couldn't control myself, and no matter what force was behind that, I can't not take responsibility for what happened.

I can... [ she cuts off, knowing she's gone into a mini-monologue, but she's Caroline Forbes. it's bound to happen. what she continues with, she means, tone sincere ] let it not eat me alive. But it is technically my fault. I took your life from you. I'd be an even lousier friend if I lied about being to pass responsibility off on anyone else.

And I know it's gonna take time to process this...awfulness, but I know you can. That you will. You're...you're strong, Elena. You always have been. Always will be. [ Her first sniffle, face twisting with the attempt to fight away the burgeoning emotion before tears start to fall, and she wipes them away, unable to even attempt a soft smile but meeting Elena's eyes. ]